Divorce and Your Future
When going through a divorce, it is natural to base decisions on emotional reactions and not on logical thinking. The main reason for this is because when you file for divorce, or your husband files for divorce, you are in a very emotional place; you don't have the capability to make long-term decisions regarding children and finances when you're still grieving for the relationship.
Identify where you are in the process by reviewing this model of grief created by hospice expert Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Initially, this model was created to understand illness and how it affects a person, but it has been utilized across a broad spectrum of emotional dealings. Today, relate it to your divorce.
Denial: I don't believe this is happening. I can change his mind. This divorce will never happen.
Anger and resentment: I don't deserve this treatment. I did everything he ever wanted me to do and this is how I get repaid?
Bargaining: If I did this for you NOW, will you get back together with me? If I changed my entire personality, will you stay at home?
Depression: My life is a sham. I am not worth a thing. He doesn't love me anymore and I will never find love again.
Acceptance: He has made a decision based on his feelings and I am woman enough to try to move on. Everyone deserves to be happy and so do I.
It is important to try to come up with a long-term plan before you get into an ugly custody or alimony battle with your ex-husbands' lawyers. Knee-jerk reactions will not help your case. It is important to map-out a post-divorce plan so you can make good decisions regarding you divorce. This plan aims to help you understand that there is life after divorce - and it aims to get you to the acceptance stage before the divorce becomes ugly and you regret some, if not all, of your actions.
Here are some questions to ponder:
1) If you qualify for alimony, what is a realistic figure?
2) If applying for sole custody evalute your reasoning:
- Are you doing so because you want to punish him?
- Was he a good father?
- Will your kids miss him to their own detriment? (depression, acting out).
- What kind of visitation rights (if any) will the father have?
The BreakUp Workbook offers exercises that can be applied to divorce. The exercises can help you identify problems in your marriage and jump-start your way to getting toward the acceptance stage. It also provides exercises that can help you create a long-term plan to conquer goals in your life that will involve the rest of your life post-divorce.
Identify where you are in the process by reviewing this model of grief created by hospice expert Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Initially, this model was created to understand illness and how it affects a person, but it has been utilized across a broad spectrum of emotional dealings. Today, relate it to your divorce.
Denial: I don't believe this is happening. I can change his mind. This divorce will never happen.
Anger and resentment: I don't deserve this treatment. I did everything he ever wanted me to do and this is how I get repaid?
Bargaining: If I did this for you NOW, will you get back together with me? If I changed my entire personality, will you stay at home?
Depression: My life is a sham. I am not worth a thing. He doesn't love me anymore and I will never find love again.
Acceptance: He has made a decision based on his feelings and I am woman enough to try to move on. Everyone deserves to be happy and so do I.
It is important to try to come up with a long-term plan before you get into an ugly custody or alimony battle with your ex-husbands' lawyers. Knee-jerk reactions will not help your case. It is important to map-out a post-divorce plan so you can make good decisions regarding you divorce. This plan aims to help you understand that there is life after divorce - and it aims to get you to the acceptance stage before the divorce becomes ugly and you regret some, if not all, of your actions.
Here are some questions to ponder:
1) If you qualify for alimony, what is a realistic figure?
2) If applying for sole custody evalute your reasoning:
- Are you doing so because you want to punish him?
- Was he a good father?
- Will your kids miss him to their own detriment? (depression, acting out).
- What kind of visitation rights (if any) will the father have?
The BreakUp Workbook offers exercises that can be applied to divorce. The exercises can help you identify problems in your marriage and jump-start your way to getting toward the acceptance stage. It also provides exercises that can help you create a long-term plan to conquer goals in your life that will involve the rest of your life post-divorce.
posted by MJ @ 12:14 PM
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