You're Not a Loser.
Dear Broken Hearted Girl,
I have a friend who is beautiful, smart and sassy. She’s a great girl and an even better friend, but she can be a downer at times. She is always telling me that she’s a “loser” and that she will never find a man and she’ll never get a good job. This is a girl who has 2 college degrees, can get any man she wants just by looking at him (she is VERY beautiful) and smart enough to find a better job. I speculate that she’s just not motivated to ‘go for it’ because she thinks very little of herself.
And I find it very hard to deal with. At times, I just don’t want to be around her – especially when something really good happens to me and she can’t be happy for me. I try to help her, but at times, it’s frustrating.
I feel that if she were a more positive person, she would attract a good man (that also has a positive attitude), the confidence to find a better job and the belief that she IS a great person, not a loser.
Do you have a friend like this? Are you as frustrated as I am when it comes to getting the person to realize their greatness?
Even worse - are you like this? Read the signs below to see if you’re a ‘twisted thinker.’
According to David Burns, MD, these are signs of “Twisted Thinking”
1. All-or-nothing thinking (a.k.a. my brain and the Vatican's): You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.
2. Overgeneralization (also a favorite): You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.
4. Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don't count (my college diploma was stroke of luck...really, it was).
5. Jumping to conclusions (loves alcoholic families): You conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. These include mind-reading (assuming that people are reacting negatively to you) and fortune-telling (predicting that things will turn out badly).
6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.
7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: "I feel like an idiot, so I must be one."
8. "Should" statements (every other word for me): You criticize yourself or other people with "shoulds," "shouldn'ts," "musts," "oughts," and "have-tos."
9. Labeling: Instead of saying, "I made a mistake," you tell yourself, "I'm a jerk" or "I'm a loser."
10. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem.
If you are a negative thinker, try to find the ways to turn the situation into something positive. Here’s something that happened to me:
I strained the ligaments in my ankle in June. I was on crutches for 2 months and had to walk with a brace for 3 months. I’ve just gotten to a point where I can walk in 1” heels. Well, do you know what happened the other day? I strained the ligaments in my shoulder – so now I have to go back to the doctor all over again. Do you know what I really think about this? I think that everything happens for a reason. I don’t get down on myself. I don’t whine about it. And I think that perhaps this is an opportunity to meet new people, to learn something or to just plain value the fact that nothing worse happened.
Hey, maybe I’ll meet my new doctor and fall in love. : )
I haven't always thought this way. It was my father who taught me how to think positively. I kept going through hard times. Trial after trial for 3 years straight and he kept telling me that things could always be worse - then he would cite specific examples of our friends & family members that WERE worse off. And that helped me gain perspective. Then finally, something absolutely great happened in my career - and all of those hurdles I faced just seemed like building blocks to get me where I am today. My dad tells me that there is a reason for everything and I wholly believe him. Although one may not realize the reason at the time, it will be revealed to you eventually. (for me, it took 3 years!).
Now back to you:
When you’re going through relationship after relationship, or you’re getting divorced, or maybe just going through a traumatic event in general, it’s EASY to be a negative thinker. And it’s okay to be down-in-the-dumps for awhile. But try to remember the ten signs of ‘twisted thinking’ above so you can recognize when you’re doing it and try to change your behavior. Don’t turn into my friend (who finally has turned to therapy). Try to think positively. Remember that you’re NOT a loser, or an idiot, or prone to be miserable for the rest of your life. Sometimes things just happen. Including heart break.
Remember that you're great, you're smart & you're beautiful.
Maybe that positive thinking will lead to even bigger and better things.
Feel better!
-MJ
I have a friend who is beautiful, smart and sassy. She’s a great girl and an even better friend, but she can be a downer at times. She is always telling me that she’s a “loser” and that she will never find a man and she’ll never get a good job. This is a girl who has 2 college degrees, can get any man she wants just by looking at him (she is VERY beautiful) and smart enough to find a better job. I speculate that she’s just not motivated to ‘go for it’ because she thinks very little of herself.
And I find it very hard to deal with. At times, I just don’t want to be around her – especially when something really good happens to me and she can’t be happy for me. I try to help her, but at times, it’s frustrating.
I feel that if she were a more positive person, she would attract a good man (that also has a positive attitude), the confidence to find a better job and the belief that she IS a great person, not a loser.
Do you have a friend like this? Are you as frustrated as I am when it comes to getting the person to realize their greatness?
Even worse - are you like this? Read the signs below to see if you’re a ‘twisted thinker.’
According to David Burns, MD, these are signs of “Twisted Thinking”
1. All-or-nothing thinking (a.k.a. my brain and the Vatican's): You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.
2. Overgeneralization (also a favorite): You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.
4. Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don't count (my college diploma was stroke of luck...really, it was).
5. Jumping to conclusions (loves alcoholic families): You conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. These include mind-reading (assuming that people are reacting negatively to you) and fortune-telling (predicting that things will turn out badly).
6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.
7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: "I feel like an idiot, so I must be one."
8. "Should" statements (every other word for me): You criticize yourself or other people with "shoulds," "shouldn'ts," "musts," "oughts," and "have-tos."
9. Labeling: Instead of saying, "I made a mistake," you tell yourself, "I'm a jerk" or "I'm a loser."
10. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem.
If you are a negative thinker, try to find the ways to turn the situation into something positive. Here’s something that happened to me:
I strained the ligaments in my ankle in June. I was on crutches for 2 months and had to walk with a brace for 3 months. I’ve just gotten to a point where I can walk in 1” heels. Well, do you know what happened the other day? I strained the ligaments in my shoulder – so now I have to go back to the doctor all over again. Do you know what I really think about this? I think that everything happens for a reason. I don’t get down on myself. I don’t whine about it. And I think that perhaps this is an opportunity to meet new people, to learn something or to just plain value the fact that nothing worse happened.
Hey, maybe I’ll meet my new doctor and fall in love. : )
I haven't always thought this way. It was my father who taught me how to think positively. I kept going through hard times. Trial after trial for 3 years straight and he kept telling me that things could always be worse - then he would cite specific examples of our friends & family members that WERE worse off. And that helped me gain perspective. Then finally, something absolutely great happened in my career - and all of those hurdles I faced just seemed like building blocks to get me where I am today. My dad tells me that there is a reason for everything and I wholly believe him. Although one may not realize the reason at the time, it will be revealed to you eventually. (for me, it took 3 years!).
Now back to you:
When you’re going through relationship after relationship, or you’re getting divorced, or maybe just going through a traumatic event in general, it’s EASY to be a negative thinker. And it’s okay to be down-in-the-dumps for awhile. But try to remember the ten signs of ‘twisted thinking’ above so you can recognize when you’re doing it and try to change your behavior. Don’t turn into my friend (who finally has turned to therapy). Try to think positively. Remember that you’re NOT a loser, or an idiot, or prone to be miserable for the rest of your life. Sometimes things just happen. Including heart break.
Remember that you're great, you're smart & you're beautiful.
Maybe that positive thinking will lead to even bigger and better things.
Feel better!
-MJ
posted by MJ @ 8:24 AM
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