Hurtful Words

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

It is not far fetched to say that when anyone experiences a breakup it is a hurtful experience. But sometimes, your ex will hurt you verbally and then want to reconcile. This leaves you with an opportunity to either forgive or forget the situation. But how do you make the decision whether to walk or to talk?

Consider these questions:

When he broke up with you, was there an extremely unpleasant exchange of words that keeps playing over and over again in your mind?

Do you still want him back even though he hurt you? Or do you want to stop needing him, but don't know how to take that next step?

The situation in which your break up occurred should be written down and reflected upon (daily if possible) until you make your decision. Remember the anger and the exact phrases that were used to hurt you; not the apologies made after the fact. Sometimes apologies and time numb the hurt. Keeping the hurt close will allow you make a rational decision - and not a rash one. Try to weigh into your decision the fact that when people say things in the heat of the moment, they can be truthful responses to stressful situations. Don't let the hurt go, use it to decide whether to forgive or forget.

If you decide that you cannot forgive him, then begin the hard work necessary to start getting over him. Cry, get angry, journal, employ the "no contact rule" and begin to live your life as a single woman.

If you find that you need him in your life despite the horrible words he uttered, then accept his apology and move on. Forgive him; don't bring up this break up and the pain he caused you every single time you get into a fight. Doing so may put your relationship on the path toward another messy break up.

MJ