MySpace and Friendster - hauntings...
I'm writing my article about "Open-Window-Cyber-Haunting..." (OWCH)...I was going to call it 'stalking,' instead of haunting..but that's not the right connotation. I like the idea of using something similar to 'ouch,' because that's how it feels, right?
The idea stems from a comparison to breakups in 'olden times,' ie) Pre-internet, a breakup would occur and you would garner no new information about an ex unless (a) you had the same friends (b) you bumped into him and his new girlfriend on the street months later (c) you saw him at a wedding - looking all alone and pathetic or (d) you drunk dialed his home and he happened to answer.
Now, you have this 'window' into your ex's life that can never be shut unless you're locked out of 'said window.' And when you're physically locked out, you can get what's called a 'restraining order' to keep you from breaking into that window. Unfortunately, when you're virtually locked out, nobody can really stop you. And as long as you don't make a sound, you pretty much won't get caught.
Most individuals believe that they will NEVER get to that level of desperation or sadness - not so far as to 'open the window!.' Most people say, "I'm way above doing something so childish!" But then one day, you'll find yourself there, doing something you swore you'd never do: you're picking the lock on that window and viewing his MySpace page, his Friendster page, or his Match.com profile. And then you wonder..."Why am I looking into this small window of his life when I'm supposed to be living my life? Why am I doing this when I should be shoring myself up and licking my wounds until I'm healed? Why am I doing this to myself?"
Your ask yourself, "Why am I risking the chance of opening old wounds?"
And the answer is simple: Because you can. And you most likely will never be caught -as long as you don't break the window.
On the internet, it's always easy to open a closed window because there are several ways to pick the lock. Sure, you can be blocked - You can block your ex too - but there's ALWAYS a way back in...even if it's through the smallest crack in the pane! You can create a new profile...a new email address...use another computer with a different IP address...and WHAM BAM! the locked window is open once again...only this time, you have to be careful that you're not caught peering into the window. So take heed: keep the Windex and some paper towel with you and wipe off any finger prints or nose prints when you leave.
Most importantly, make sure that window doesn't squeak when you're lifting it up...especially if it's been closed for months. Or years.
Once you've taken the time to pick the lock (creating a new profile, or just clicking on his page), congratulate yourself for being such a genius then mentally prepare yourself for what you might see. Begin to open the window (by clicking on your ex's profile) and WAM! BAM! You did it! You're right back in the middle of your ex's life. Only instead of being an actual, real-live, part of his life, you're just a ghost sitting quietly on the window-sill. Watching; waiting; hoping to catch him saying good things about you; hoping he's saying how stupid he was to lose you - the only good person to ever touch his life. Anticipating that he is miserable without you. (Yeah, that's not very healthy).
Take a look around from your spot on the window-sill (and remember to take note that you weren't invited in through the front door). There's the couch right where it used to be (check). Same color walls (check). Oh, wow, he has a new hi-def TV and it's hooo-yuge! New tile on the kitchen floor (check)...same kitchen table (che...who is that girl sitting at the kitchen table???!). She wasn't there when you left, was she?
Your heart breaks all over again as you realize he has moved on to another woman. And you're still there, halfway through the window, straining to hear the conversation. Maybe one leg is out the window and one leg is in the hallway and you are trying to convince yourself to leave, but you find yourself stuck. It's a trainwreck of sorts and you just...can't...look...away! She's sitting on his freaking lap! YOUR EX BOYFRIEND!! Your mind is moving way too quickly...You're searching all of his posts (climbing through the window now)...You're still trying to find one picture of yourself...but you only find pictures of her...You realize you can't breathe...and then your brain catches up with your heart and says "Damn. You really shouldn't be here."
And you realize that OWCH! You're an Open-Window-Cyber-Haunter. In other words, you're nothing but a ghost.
You're not alone, you know. Here are quotes from our forum at http://mjac.forumco.com:
single337: I used to be a member of Friendster but cancelled it last year. Since my breakup, I have thought about re-joining, adding awesome pictures of me having a great time...just in case he was to look me up, but I know that I would be tempted to look him up. Friendster and MySpace are dangers waters for me and I now avoid them both completely. I am so afraid of what I may see or read that I'd rather not know. Also, his life is no longer my concern or my business. I'M FREE OF HIM!!!
MM79: I felt like a stalker by continually going to his myspace page. I would go to see if his friends were posting events that he would possibly attend. I would look to see if he had any pics from these outings and see if he looked miserable or happy. He never knew I was doing this but he did delete his myspace a few weeks ago. He unknowingly helped me with the healing process. I haven't been strong enough to delete old emails and text messages though.
MKS1980: Hell, I was worse. I easily deleted all of his old emails, but then I remembered that I knew his email password. Talk about feeling like a fricken stalker. Of course, I found out about the gf, so I cut myself off of that but got caught up in the myspace world for a bit. Now I have freedom. It's a new year and I'm not gonna torture myself like that. I still can't believe that I reduced myself to that level. No one would have ever expected that of me. I literally felt like such awful crap each time I looked and read something. Now, I miss him, but I know that with each passing day that feeling will pass. I will get over this guy. I want my life's happiness, and it's not with him, so I WILL get over him.
babygirl78: I just looked at his page this morning. And he has three new pictures - all of some girl I've never seen before. He's not in any of them with her - two of them were taken at his friend's house (probably on new year's eve because he said he was at his house that night), and one of them was taken in his apartment.
This really bothered me, because during the three months that we dated, he NEVER put a picture of me on his page. It never really bothered me at the time - my friend had even brought it to my attention and I said it was no big deal - but now seeing that he put these pics of this girl on there, it does bother me.
sadnblue: I have gone 2 days without looking since seeing he's in a relationship. I'm not even tempted to look. Once was enough for me, thank you very much. At the end of the week, I'm treating myself to a pedicure.
Next week maybe a manicure.
uniquegirl: It's hurtful visiting my-space when an ex is on there. I hate looking at commentary from women. When he first put up a profile on my-space we were dating and it made me very upset that he put on there that he was single. It took me a while but I stopped viewing his profile.
What really upset me is that he always told me he was too busy too see me, yet he was always logged on to My-space. I guess he had enough time to sit at the dam## computer for hours but couldnt pick up the phone.
Hiphophomey: My ex is a myspace freak. After he dumped me 2 months ago, he said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend for a while, but now he wants "serious relationships." It's annoying, but after my first ex, I realized never take any ex's word. A lot of the time they aren't really ready but are merely trying to get on top of someone else (literally and physically) to force out the image of us. It's pretty lame. Just remember you aren't desperate for a new boyfriend the same way our exs are desperate!
I think you should reward yourself for not looking. That's what I do. If it's been a week, splurge on yourself. Buy a new outfit, enjoy some fine dining with a friend, etc. The rewards should be indulgent so you won't be tempted to look!
God, the internet can seriously suck sometimes!!!
Ladies - click on http://mjac.forumco.com to read more comments.
Please leave a comment to this article if you can think of a solution to this problem.
-MJ
The idea stems from a comparison to breakups in 'olden times,' ie) Pre-internet, a breakup would occur and you would garner no new information about an ex unless (a) you had the same friends (b) you bumped into him and his new girlfriend on the street months later (c) you saw him at a wedding - looking all alone and pathetic or (d) you drunk dialed his home and he happened to answer.
Now, you have this 'window' into your ex's life that can never be shut unless you're locked out of 'said window.' And when you're physically locked out, you can get what's called a 'restraining order' to keep you from breaking into that window. Unfortunately, when you're virtually locked out, nobody can really stop you. And as long as you don't make a sound, you pretty much won't get caught.
Most individuals believe that they will NEVER get to that level of desperation or sadness - not so far as to 'open the window!.' Most people say, "I'm way above doing something so childish!" But then one day, you'll find yourself there, doing something you swore you'd never do: you're picking the lock on that window and viewing his MySpace page, his Friendster page, or his Match.com profile. And then you wonder..."Why am I looking into this small window of his life when I'm supposed to be living my life? Why am I doing this when I should be shoring myself up and licking my wounds until I'm healed? Why am I doing this to myself?"
Your ask yourself, "Why am I risking the chance of opening old wounds?"
And the answer is simple: Because you can. And you most likely will never be caught -as long as you don't break the window.
On the internet, it's always easy to open a closed window because there are several ways to pick the lock. Sure, you can be blocked - You can block your ex too - but there's ALWAYS a way back in...even if it's through the smallest crack in the pane! You can create a new profile...a new email address...use another computer with a different IP address...and WHAM BAM! the locked window is open once again...only this time, you have to be careful that you're not caught peering into the window. So take heed: keep the Windex and some paper towel with you and wipe off any finger prints or nose prints when you leave.
Most importantly, make sure that window doesn't squeak when you're lifting it up...especially if it's been closed for months. Or years.
Once you've taken the time to pick the lock (creating a new profile, or just clicking on his page), congratulate yourself for being such a genius then mentally prepare yourself for what you might see. Begin to open the window (by clicking on your ex's profile) and WAM! BAM! You did it! You're right back in the middle of your ex's life. Only instead of being an actual, real-live, part of his life, you're just a ghost sitting quietly on the window-sill. Watching; waiting; hoping to catch him saying good things about you; hoping he's saying how stupid he was to lose you - the only good person to ever touch his life. Anticipating that he is miserable without you. (Yeah, that's not very healthy).
Take a look around from your spot on the window-sill (and remember to take note that you weren't invited in through the front door). There's the couch right where it used to be (check). Same color walls (check). Oh, wow, he has a new hi-def TV and it's hooo-yuge! New tile on the kitchen floor (check)...same kitchen table (che...who is that girl sitting at the kitchen table???!). She wasn't there when you left, was she?
Your heart breaks all over again as you realize he has moved on to another woman. And you're still there, halfway through the window, straining to hear the conversation. Maybe one leg is out the window and one leg is in the hallway and you are trying to convince yourself to leave, but you find yourself stuck. It's a trainwreck of sorts and you just...can't...look...away! She's sitting on his freaking lap! YOUR EX BOYFRIEND!! Your mind is moving way too quickly...You're searching all of his posts (climbing through the window now)...You're still trying to find one picture of yourself...but you only find pictures of her...You realize you can't breathe...and then your brain catches up with your heart and says "Damn. You really shouldn't be here."
And you realize that OWCH! You're an Open-Window-Cyber-Haunter. In other words, you're nothing but a ghost.
You're not alone, you know. Here are quotes from our forum at http://mjac.forumco.com:
single337: I used to be a member of Friendster but cancelled it last year. Since my breakup, I have thought about re-joining, adding awesome pictures of me having a great time...just in case he was to look me up, but I know that I would be tempted to look him up. Friendster and MySpace are dangers waters for me and I now avoid them both completely. I am so afraid of what I may see or read that I'd rather not know. Also, his life is no longer my concern or my business. I'M FREE OF HIM!!!
MM79: I felt like a stalker by continually going to his myspace page. I would go to see if his friends were posting events that he would possibly attend. I would look to see if he had any pics from these outings and see if he looked miserable or happy. He never knew I was doing this but he did delete his myspace a few weeks ago. He unknowingly helped me with the healing process. I haven't been strong enough to delete old emails and text messages though.
MKS1980: Hell, I was worse. I easily deleted all of his old emails, but then I remembered that I knew his email password. Talk about feeling like a fricken stalker. Of course, I found out about the gf, so I cut myself off of that but got caught up in the myspace world for a bit. Now I have freedom. It's a new year and I'm not gonna torture myself like that. I still can't believe that I reduced myself to that level. No one would have ever expected that of me. I literally felt like such awful crap each time I looked and read something. Now, I miss him, but I know that with each passing day that feeling will pass. I will get over this guy. I want my life's happiness, and it's not with him, so I WILL get over him.
babygirl78: I just looked at his page this morning. And he has three new pictures - all of some girl I've never seen before. He's not in any of them with her - two of them were taken at his friend's house (probably on new year's eve because he said he was at his house that night), and one of them was taken in his apartment.
This really bothered me, because during the three months that we dated, he NEVER put a picture of me on his page. It never really bothered me at the time - my friend had even brought it to my attention and I said it was no big deal - but now seeing that he put these pics of this girl on there, it does bother me.
sadnblue: I have gone 2 days without looking since seeing he's in a relationship. I'm not even tempted to look. Once was enough for me, thank you very much. At the end of the week, I'm treating myself to a pedicure.
Next week maybe a manicure.
uniquegirl: It's hurtful visiting my-space when an ex is on there. I hate looking at commentary from women. When he first put up a profile on my-space we were dating and it made me very upset that he put on there that he was single. It took me a while but I stopped viewing his profile.
What really upset me is that he always told me he was too busy too see me, yet he was always logged on to My-space. I guess he had enough time to sit at the dam## computer for hours but couldnt pick up the phone.
Hiphophomey: My ex is a myspace freak. After he dumped me 2 months ago, he said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend for a while, but now he wants "serious relationships." It's annoying, but after my first ex, I realized never take any ex's word. A lot of the time they aren't really ready but are merely trying to get on top of someone else (literally and physically) to force out the image of us. It's pretty lame. Just remember you aren't desperate for a new boyfriend the same way our exs are desperate!
I think you should reward yourself for not looking. That's what I do. If it's been a week, splurge on yourself. Buy a new outfit, enjoy some fine dining with a friend, etc. The rewards should be indulgent so you won't be tempted to look!
God, the internet can seriously suck sometimes!!!
Ladies - click on http://mjac.forumco.com to read more comments.
Please leave a comment to this article if you can think of a solution to this problem.
-MJ
posted by MJ @ 11:34 AM
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