"Mr. Big Syndrome."

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,


One of my favorite television series is Sex and the City. I think it has empowered women to speak up about their sexuality. And I believe that women have been able to identify with the characters and begin to understand that all women go through break ups…even the most successful and beautiful women.

I question the ending of the show because although it was a romantic ending and it’s what everyone wanted for “Carrie Bradshaw,” it conjured up unreasonable expectations. In real life, Candace Bushnell did not end up with “Mr. Big.” She married a Russian ballet dancer.

I point this out because there’s something going on in my generation. I’ll call it the “Mr. Big” syndrome. It seems that more and more women are holding out hope that their ex-boyfriends will realize that they are “the one.” Lovelorn women cling on desperately to the belief that their “Mr. Big” will come back to them. Marry them. And change.

These women have identified so much with Carrie Bradshaw’s character that they parallel their lives to hers. They figure that if she can get "Mr. Big" to realize he loves her, then they can do the same with their men.

This kind of thinking leaves women to spend years of their lives waiting around. And sometimes the “Mr. Big’s” of the world take advantage of the situation. They bask in the attention. They sleep with the women, continue communication and essentially lead them to believe that there may be a chance.

And then it’s 5 years later. And she’s still waiting for him to change. She’s still waiting for him to realize that she’s “the one.”

I frequently witness this behavior through despondent posts on my forum at http://mjac.forumco.com. Dejected women who have spent years of their lives waiting for the man of their dreams to alter his perceptions and ‘come back to them.’ It’s heartbreaking to watch. And even more tough to snap them out of this kind of delusional thinking.

Sex and the City is not responsible for this kind of thinking, but I do believe that more women should recognize that the real “Carrie Bradshaw” did not end up with her “Mr. Big.” The belief in romance is wonderful, but should not always be applied to real life. Not all men, no matter how rich and powerful, are “Mr. Big.” Not all men will finally realize after years of dysfunction that their ex is “the one.” It’s just not practical.

If women are going to learn any lessons from Sex and the City, they should take away that men are tertiary when it comes to career and friends, love comes in many forms and there’s a man just waiting to love a woman as she is.

In some cases it just takes a REALLY long time to find him.

Feel better!

-MJ

Happy New Year

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

This is just a quick note to wish you a Happy New Year. If you're spending it alone, go ahead and get that bottle of champagne and cry our eyes out if you need to. If you're going out with friends, you may still break down, but try to have some fun too.

But whatever you do, don't forget to make your New Year's Resolutions. Studies show that when you write down a goal, you are more likely to strive to achieve it.

I wish you all the luck in the New Year. Drive carefully and most of all, get ready to make some changes for a better you in 2008.

Feel better!

-MJ

How to Make Better Romantic Choices

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I read this article and because I am dating, friends are divorcing and others are unhappily married. Every relationship during the holiday season seems to be evaluated and reevaluated. And every single person I know is just hoping & praying that their 'prince charming' will be comin' round the mountain any second now.

This article put some of my fears into perspective, so I'm sharing it with everyone I know. Including you.

Feel better!

-MJ



How to Make Better Romantic Choices

Don't settle for the wrong person just because it's the right time

By Sean K. Murphy

Special to Yahoo! Personals


If you spend a lot of time wondering if you'll ever find that special relationship, stop. Instead, think about the millions of married people who wake up each day wishing they had made a different choice. Difficult as it may be, your longing beats their regret, especially if you use your time alone productively.

According to a recent survey, nearly 15 percent of Americans say their
biggest regret in life involves a love relationship. Of those, more than half say they would choose a different mate or dump a former love sooner if they could change their past. More than a third of those who would have chosen a different mate are married, and half have children living at home.

The statistics are startling and point to bad romantic decision making on the part of both men and women. The reasons have become cliche: settling for the wrong person just because it's the right time; hoping to change someone into what you want them to be; not having the foresight to choose someone who can grow alongside you; believing that some magical, transformational person is waiting around the corner to whisk you to your exciting new life. The list is endless and at its core is the need to find someone -- anyone -- to be with, at least until someone better comes along.

Work on yourself
If you're alone right now, there's a healthier way of thinking that will better prepare you to make fulfilling romantic choices. It involves working on yourself and letting the rest take care of itself. It's based on four key principles:
Confront your fear of being alone. Do whatever it takes -- talk to friends, exercise, read self-help books, go to therapy, do volunteer work -- to know it's okay to be alone. Live your life doing the things you love and you'll find compatible love interests while you're doing those things. Forget "you complete me."

It's a tear-jerking movie line that has no practical application in life
Besides, who do you want to be with -- half a person or someone with whom you share in common a sense of self-fulfillment and connection?

Believe you are the prize. Live as if a great relationship is coming your way and it will find you. Quality people are attracted to confidence, not neediness.
Improve your dumping skills. Do an inventory and get rid of all the negative influences in your life. Tops on your dumping list should be toxic friends. It's good practice for future dating so you don't waste time with people who aren't good for you.

Look at reality and not fantasy. Especially on a first date,
listen carefully to what the other side of the table is saying. People are less defended on first dates because they're not sure yet what the other person is looking for and there's less at stake emotionally. Whether it's the first or fifth date, in their words and actions, the people you're with tell you exactly who they are all the time. All you have to do is watch, listen and accept what's being presented to you.

Next steps
If you've mastered these principles and are looking for a relationship, there are two ways to go: date a lot of people or wait for someone you think could be "the one." It can be painful, but frequent dating is your best choice for a host of reasons. Being out there keeps your skills sharp and helps you develop a more discerning eye toward who's right for you. It may also test and expand your concepts of who is right for you. Waiting around simply diminishes your opportunities and dulls your charm.

At the end of the day, finding the right relationship is all about you. The better you know and believe in yourself, the better prepared you will be to make smart choices in love and never settle.

Sean K. Murphy is the author of "The Spirit Man," a man's view of connecting with your soul mate. He writes and speaks internationally on relationship issues.

Beginning - Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Break Up.

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I though this was apropos for the holiday season.

Feel better!

MJ



The Breakup Test: 5 Questions to Ask Before Giving 'Em the Boot
By Elina Furman
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Dec 28, 2007

Is it better to be the breaker-upper or the dumpee? With so much attention being paid to those poor people dumped every year, no one ever takes time to think about what it's like to be the dumper. Hardly an enviable position, the decision to break up with someone can breed feelings of guilt, paralysis and depression.

To alleviate some of this anxiety, here's a list of 5 questions to ask yourself before you give someone the boot.

Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship.
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship. If you're stressed out about something, be it a job or family problem, it's all too tempting to generalize these feelings to include your partner. It's very easy to think that if you got out of this relationship you would feel better. In reality, you need to deal with the problem rather than blame it on your partner.

Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?
Being blissfully in love with your partner 24/7 is a wonderful concept in theory, but as we all know, real-world relationships rarely live up to these expectations. Many people assume that they have to be 100 percent satisfied with their partners in order to stick with them, but good luck ever finding this perfect scenario!
A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself:
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more?
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may want to consider moving on.

Question 3: Is He/She Abusive?
Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk -- run from the relationship.
Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration?
Many of us think that if our partner was right for us, he/she would be able to understand our needs intuitively without us ever having to communicate. While it would be great if our partners could just read our minds, the truth is that few of us are telepathic.
Good communication is required in every relationship.
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.

Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It?
Whatever your gripes or complaints, there's one factor that can make or break your union: your mutual desire to work on the relationship. If you're not both committed to improving your quality of life together, there's very little hope for the future.
And remember, actions speak louder than words. If both of you make a concerted effort to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes that are required, there's really no reason to call it quits.

You are Beautiful. Now Say It!

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I received this in my in-box today and thought I would pass it along to serve some inspiration.

Feel better!

MJ

By Sarah Ban Breathnach



Excerpted from "The Simple Abundance Companion" with permission of Warner Books. Copyright 2000 by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

Welcome to You

Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage.

--Claude M. Bristol

You are beautiful. Right now. Today. Just as you are, just the way you look as you read those three words: You. Are. Beautiful. Say it slowly aloud, as if the phrase were a foreign language, for it probably is.

You are beautiful. Now say it in the first person singular.

I am beautiful.

Do you know that? If so, remind yourself of this glorious fact every day. If not, it is time to become beautiful in your own eyes. This will require a makeover of sorts, but not the kind you think. Learning to love the way you look has nothing to do with starting a diet or reshaping your eyebrows. Accepting and embracing your authentic beauty means seeing yourself from the inside out. I love me, I love me not--I love me.
Beauty may only be skin deep, but there is nothing superficial about the complicated relationship that a woman has with her appearance. How you see yourself and how you think other people see you—your body image—is deeply connected to how you feel about yourself.

The effects of a negative body image can be devastating. If you don't like the way you look, you probably don't like the woman you are. And those feelings of worthlessness, self-consciousness, and inadequacy will insinuate their way into nearly every area of your life—into your friendships, your career, your romances, and, most importantly, your relationship with yourself.

A positive body image is equally powerful. It is not an instant solution to all of life's problems, but a starting point, a spark that can set off a fabulous chain reaction. Loving how you look when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or store window paves the path of self-love, and with that acceptance comes self-esteem, confidence, and authentic beauty, a radiance that glows from within. A beauty that is more than skin deep.

The Power of Massage

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Going through a divorce or break up does not only take a toll on your emotions, but it can take a toll on your body as well. Help reduce blood pressure and fatigue by treating yourself to a massage.

Do a little research before making an appointment - this is an instance in which recommendations from friends will come in handy.

Feel better!

-MJ




Strategies for De-Stressing
The Benefits of Massage


A massage at the hands of a skilled practitioner can be rejuvenating. Research shows massage has a physiological impact, too.
A 2005 review of research studies involving massage therapy showed that massage consistently lowered levels of cortisol while increasing activity of pleasure-related brain chemicals in patients with a broad range of physical and psychological conditions. Massage also lowers blood pressure and heart rate and may enhance certain measures of immune function. A 2005 study showed that women with breast cancer who participated in massage therapy three times a week for five weeks showed more immune system activity and reported less depression, anxiety, and fatigue than the women who didn’t receive massages regularly. Some studies have found that massage is also beneficial in boosting the immune systems of people with HIV.

Whether it’s for therapeutic reasons or purely for pleasure, massage offers the comforts of a warm touch and release from muscle tension. There are currently no national licensing requirements or standards for massage therapists. Experienced practitioners can be found through professional organizations, such as the American Massage Therapy Association (888-THE-AMTA) and the National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage and Bodywork (800-296-0664).

Recognize Holiday Depression

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

A lot of you have written me recently about holiday depression. I found an article that talks about recognizing depression. The most important item in this article is the advice: reach out to someone (even if just by telephone) to help quell the blues.

Feel better!

-MJ


Christmas Depression
http://www.professorshouse.com/family/holidays/christmas-depression.aspx

Christmas time is the most likely time of the year to experience depression. The suicide rate is higher during December than any other month, which tells us that Christmas depression should be taken quite seriously. Depression at Christmas time can be triggered by a multitude of things, such as losses, failures, and loneliness. These elements are exacerbated this time of year. People who have had deaths in the family or have experienced divorce or the loss of a child are more prone to depression, especially during the holiday season.

It can be especially difficult to cope with a Christmas depression because everyone else seems so joyous, so reaching out feels more awkward and more remote. We don’t want to bring down those around us, we don’t want to feel “different” or alienate ourselves, and we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves either. We tend to disassociate ourselves from our own feelings and ask ourselves self defeating questions. We wonder what’s wrong with us and why we can’t just jump right on into the holiday cheer. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year and yet we can barely drag ourselves out of bed and become functional human beings. On top of feeling sad and dysfunctional, we feel out of place, and somehow illegitimate in our feelings.

Not all holiday depression has anything to do with loss or failure or death, or even anything obvious. Sometimes people tend to just get depressed around the holidays. Yet those without an obvious “reason” feel that they really shouldn’t be depressed and are least likely to reach out for help. It’s as though people who have experienced trauma have more of a “right” to experience holiday depression than those who appear to have everything that could need or want.



People fail to recognize that holidays are stressful enough to trigger a depression. Sometimes the hustle and bustle and the need to produce (food, presents, parties, and the lot) are enough to seriously frustrate a person right into a depression. Feeling disconnected with the holidays can easily lead to a mild to moderate depression.

Whether dealing with a loss or change or simply feeling overwhelmed by holiday sadness, the number one most important thing anyone can do is to tell someone. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Over the past ten years there has been a great awakening, so to speak, that has illuminated the issue of Christmas depression. People have become more educated and more understanding about the phenomenon and often already know that someone they love is suffering from depression before there is any actual confession.

If you are alone at Christmastime and you realize that you are coming down with holiday depression, reach out to someone by phone, whether it is a friend, a relative, or a professional, just call someone. This is so important. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there are plenty of people willing and able to assist you. A bad moment (even a really long one that last several weeks) does not have to ruin a future. Unfortunately people who find themselves depressed and do nothing about it are prone to staying depressed. Depression can interfere with job performance, friendships, romantic relationships, parenting ability, self care, and even the ability to take care of the dog. It can lead to losses of these very important things if the depression becomes serious enough.

The onset of Christmas depression can sneak up on you in numerous forms. You may simply start to feel more tired than normal or start sleeping through the alarm. You may procrastinate on holiday shopping, even when those events that require your participation are only a few days away. You may start to feel randomly irritable, or snap at people without provocation. You may start to feel disconnected with the world and withdraw from those around you, even children. These are all signs that you are experiencing at least some form of holiday depression, and warning signs that you may need help in dealing with whatever is making you feel this way.

Dealing with a holiday depression once you are able to recognize it is a vital step in returning to a better state of health. Naturally, my first recommendation is that you find a good counselor to speak with. The onset of holiday depression doesn’t have to mean that you require long term counseling or even medication. It may just mean you have to learn to set better boundaries or learn to let go of the past or learn better coping skills when it comes to dealing with a tragedy. Nothing that you are experiencing is so terribly abnormal, and no one is going to react terribly to you if you ask for help.

A good counselor can help you learn to set “holiday boundaries” while you are coping with holiday depression. “Holiday boundaries” include things like limiting the number of holiday party invitations you and your family accept, scaling down Christmas to a level that feels more reasonable to everyone, asking for help in the Christmas preparations, and perhaps dealing a little differently with the specific tasks that tend to depress you more. If wrapping presents creates a huge sadness in you because it triggers and emotion or a memory, then perhaps you can get a significant other, an older child, or another relative to help you so that you don’t have to wrap nearly as many. Sometimes just doing it with someone is enough to help keep your depression away.



A Christmas depression is usually more than just a simple case of the holiday blues, and it really should be treated with more respect than that. It is better to go to a counselor and have them tell you that you just have the “blues” and it will pass than to sit on a serious depression and slowly watch your world around you disassemble. A holiday depression requires attention, especially one that develops annually. While it may seem logical to believe that because it happens every year that it will just keep leaving every year isn’t logic that should be counted on when help is so readily available.

"Life's Short, Get a Divorce."

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here's a great article about divorce attorneys and the lengths they will go to in order to win clients.

Check out a picture of the billboard referenced below at:

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/LegalCenter/story?id=3147979

Feel better!

-MJ



By CHRIS FRANCESCANI
ABC News Law & Justice Unit
May 7, 2007



"Life's Short. Get a Divorce.''


The billboard, sponsored by Fetman, Garland & Associates, Ltd., a firm that specializes in divorce cases, features the six-pack abs of a headless male torso and tanned female cleavage heaving forth from a black lace bra.

The ad is the brainchild of Corri Fetman, who told ABC News' Law & Justice Unit, "Law firm advertising is boring…Everything's always the same. It's lawyers in libraries with a suit on and the law books behind them. They don't say anything. What, I should hire you because you have a law degree? C'mon. So we wanted to try something different."

Reaction from those who work in and around Chicago's divorce courts has been less than enthusiastic.

"It's grotesque,'' said John Ducanto, past president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. "It's totally undignified and offensive."

"It trivializes divorce and I think it's absolutely disgusting," Rick Tivers, a clinical social worker at the Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago, told ABC News. "Divorce is traumatic enough without this kind of [advertising]. We try and help people go through the divorce process with as much integrity as possible. A lot of my work is helping people grieve the loss of a divorce, and their own sense of betrayal. This makes divorce seem like it's not a big deal, and it's a huge deal for many people.''

Ducanto called on the Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Committee of Supreme Court of Illinois to sanction Fetman. "I don't think they'll just let this pass,'' said Ducanto, who seemed genuinely hurt by the ad. "I have been in practice for 52 years, and I've worked my ass off to change the image of this particular area of the legal practice, and to see some punk try and pervert the whole image in the interest of lucre. … Sure, she's got a lot of attention, but it's like a guy who spits on a table — you got the attention, sure, but what kind of attention is it?"

But the ARDC's deputy administrator James Grogan told ABC News that traditionally Illinois has been reluctant to sanction lawyers for anything short of false or misleading advertising.

Recently, Grogan said, the commission took action against a lawyer who was advertising on local ethnic radio.

"The radio spot had the sounds of jungle noises and then a voiceover in Polish saying, 'I am the lion of the courtroom!''' Complaints began to flood in when potential clients realized the truth behind the lion's roar.

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"The guy had never tried a case in court before,'' Grogan said.

One of the genuine lions of the American divorce courts -- New York's Raoul Felder -- said the ad was a new low for the profession.

"This has to be the Academy Award of bad taste,'' Felder told ABC News. Fetman is "not your run-of-the-mill Perry Mason lawyer,'' he opined. "Hell, that's not even 'L.A. Law.' It's bizarre,'' he said. "I don't think anybody walks away from that ad thinking more of the legal profession that they did before they saw it.''

Karen Enright, president-elect of the Women's Bar of Illinois, shared similar feelings. "It's actually a disappointment to the profession and to the institution of marriage, which is something our community holds as sacred,'' she said. "Our profession, and lawyers in general, have been under attack for advertisements similar to this and I think,'' she said, pausing. "I think that it's not in good taste.''

But Fetman defends the billboard, almost gleefully. Recycling popular catch phrases seems to come naturally to her. "Lawyers don't cause divorces. People cause divorces,'' she said. "If you think somebody's going to look at a billboard and go out and get a divorce as a result, you're insulting the intelligence of people. If that's the case, our next billboard is going to read, 'Gimme Your Money.'"

The placement of the billboard -- first reported by the Chicago Sun-Times -- is interesting. It peers down into an area of Rush Street known as the "Viagra Triangle" for its three, trendy singles bars in an affluent section of Chicago known as the "Gold Coast.''

"Everybody's got a pretty good sense of humor in this neighborhood,'' said Greg Horan, director of operations for Gibson's Steakhouse, one of the three restaurant/bars in the triangle. The billboard is perched on a parking garage behind the restaurant. "We don't endorse it or anything, but sure, people will look up and get a chuckle out of it.''

As far as Fetman is concerned, it's a lighthearted splash of color in an otherwise dreary area of legal advertisement. "It promotes happiness,'' she said. "It promotes happiness and personal integrity."

And happiness may be something that Fetman, a divorcee, is seeking herself. "By the way, the male body on the billboard? That's my personal trainer, Chuck Sanow," Fetman told ABC News, her girlish voice rising just so. "He's a Chicago firefighter and he owns a gym."

How High is Your Stress Level?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here's a quick quiz to help you get a pulse on your current stress level.

Sometimes it's fun to get an "unreality" check about your mental health - like doing the Cosmo quiz. This site, however, offers great advice at the end of the quiz with tips to reduce stress.

http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=203&surveyID=117&WT.mc_id=NL44


Feel better!

-MJ

Moving On- Divorce Shower Gift Ideas

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

No doubt by now that you’ve heard of the new trend in divorce; the divorce shower. If you haven’t, pick up the latest issue of REDBOOK. They’ve got a great article about it.

So you’re probably thinking...if I have a divorce shower, where should I register? For what should I ask? Here are some tips:


Think Practically.

A divorce shower is supposed to compensate for the loss of half your stuff. Towels, a toaster, plates (not fine china) and sheets, are all practical gifts.


Don’t Register at Tiffany’s.

Think Target or Bed, Bath & Beyond. These places are inexpensive and practical. Your friends and their wallets will appreciate your choice of stores.


Don’t Invite Everyone You Know.

Only invite your closest friends and family. Divorce is emotional as much as it is the physical separation of domestic items. You may start crying or getting angry about your situation – and you may not want to display these feelings around your co-workers. If you break down at the shower (and I’m not saying you will), then you will be in a comfortable environment in which to do so.


A divorce shower can be a fun and practical way to begin your new life. New sheets, towels, even curtains will not evoke memories of the past...use these gifts as a conduit to making new memories.

Feel better!

-MJ

Famous Text Message Breakups

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

It's happened to you or someone you know. The awful text message breakup. These days, it's just a normal way of conversing with someone. Heck, I just moved to Boston from Michigan and most of the time I only speak with my friends through email or text messages. It's just 'the norm.'

But that's just sad.

I personally believe that the text message is the "new" emotional disconnect. It's another means to add confusion to dysfunctional relationships. Text breakups are just another way to avoid confrontation. When these types of breakups occur, they can lead to pent-up frustrations and emotions that never reach their true destination - HIS EARS! And if you can't get your feelings to reach his ears, you won't reach a true catharsis.

Sometimes a couple just needs to yell at one another and have it out before they can completely walk away. It's called closure and it's not a new concept. It seems that people these days are having such a hard time letting go of their ex's that they end up obsessing over the break up. Then begins the texting, IM-ing and emailing of their ex's constantly - just because they want to know "why." And when they do not receive their answers, they end up completely focusing on the relationship, why they may have been to blame and how they can fix the problem. It's such an unhealthy cycle.

I wish I had the power to stop it.

I think that after you share months to years of your life (and your bed!) with someone, it's not too much to ask to have a face-to-face conversation with your ex before he walks away forever. It'll only leave you full of answers (although still completely miserable) and more information to allow you to come to a resolution and the ability to walk away from the relationship.

But that's just my opinion. I feel so strongly about it because it's happened to a lot of women on my site (http://www.brokenheartedgirl.com) and they can't seem to move on because they can't get closure. It's hard to see.


So if it has happened to you, know that you're not alone...and for fun...here are a few famous text message breakups:

Reportedly:

-Britney broke up with K-Fed in a text message in 2006.
-Adam Levine broke up with Jessica Simpson in a text message in 2006 citing, "Need Space."
-Prince Harry & Chelsy broke up in November apparently because of text messages he had sent to another woman.

So, not only has text messaging become a primary form of communication and a primary form of breaking up with someone, but it is now also a new way to cheat on someone.

Is texting cheating?


Feel better!
MJ

Moving On - Ritalin Use Higher for Children of Divorce

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

The title of this article did not come as a shock to me. It would only seem natural that a child dealing with any traumatizing issue would suffer from attention deficit disorder. But when I found out that it is prescribed OVER twice as much to children whose parents were not divorced, I was a little bit shocked. This article raises questions as to whether the drug is overprescribed or incorrectly prescribed to children.

If you are trying to make a decision about whether or not to put your child on Ritalin, this article may help in your research.

Feel better!

-MJ


Ritalin use higher for children of divorce: study
Last Updated: Monday, June 4, 2007 | 6:21 PM ET
CBC News

Ritalin use is almost twice as high among children whose parents divorce compared with those who continue to live with two biological parents, a Canadian study suggests.

Ritalin, or methylphenidate, is commonly prescribed for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, in children.

Use of the drug has increased rapidly over the past few decades in Canada, the U.S., the Netherlands, Israel and Australia, raising questions about whether it is overprescribed or prescribed inappropriately in children.

The study in Tuesday's issue of the Canadian Medical Association Journal attempted to tease apart whether family structure makes a difference in the higher prescription rate, but the findings do not explain why the prescription rates are higher, said the study's author, Lisa Strohschein.

"I've got the what, but not the why," said Strohschein, a sociologist at the University of Alberta in Edmonton.

Stress of divorce?

Previous studies suggest children who live with a single parent or a parent and step-parent were more likely to be prescribed Ritalin.

But a child could be living in a single-parent household because of several reasons — divorce, loss of parent to death or because they were born to a single parent. The earlier research was not clear about whether divorce itself makes a difference in Ritalin prescription rates.

When Strohschein looked at prescription rates between 1994 and 2000 among 4,151 children whose parents hadn't divorced and 633 children whose parents had, she found Ritalin use was significantly higher among children whose parents divorced.

In two-parent families, 3.3 per cent of children were prescribed the drug, which rose to 6.1 per cent among the children whose parents had divorced.

"It is possible that the stress of divorce subsequently elevated child behavioural problems to a point that necessitated methylphenidate use," Strohschein concluded. "However, one cannot rule out alternative explanations."

For example, since ADHD is thought to have a genetic component, there may be a greater likelihood of passing on the disorder among parents with a history of mental health problems who divorce, Strohschein proposed.

Or, the anxiety, sadness and other emotions that children feel after divorce may lead to more contact with the health-care system. Visits to the doctor after a divorce occur as parents and doctors are on the lookout for problematic behaviour, and a child's symptoms may be mislabelled as ADHD.

The Statistics Canada survey results on which the study was based did not include questions to test whether Ritalin is prescribed inappropriately to children of divorce.

Be cautious in prescribing
Nonetheless, the findings should serve as a reminder to doctors to be cautious in prescribing drugs for ADHD to children after a divorce, said Dr. Abel Ickowicz, the psychiatrist-in-chief at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto.

"Because … if we are going too quick to prescribe medication, like Ritalin, like methylphenidate, we may not only be masking the normal process of adaptation to divorce, but we may be contributing to the degree of distress the children of divorce are experiencing."

All of the explanations Strohschein proposed likely have some validity, said Dr. Anton Miller, a developmental pediatrician and child health researcher at the University of British Columbia's Centre for Community Child Health Research.

Miller added his own suggestion, saying the stress of dealing with ADHD behaviour in a child may contribute to divorce.

Even Birds Get Divorced!

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,


Divorce rates among humans are over 50%. I wonder if humans are rubbing off on the animal kingdom? Read this study from Wake Forest University.

Just remember that you're not alone!

Feel better!

-MJ


From www.wfu.edu

Wake Forest study investigates 'divorce' among Galapagos seabirds

June 13, 2007

Being a devoted husband and father is not enough to keep an avian marriage together for the Nazca booby, a long-lived seabird found in the Galapagos Islands off the coast of Ecuador.

Many Nazca booby females switch mates after successfully raising a chick, according to a Wake Forest University study scheduled for publication in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences June 13.

This is surprising because there is an advantage to staying together, said Terri Maness, a doctoral student who co-authored the study with David J. Anderson, professor of biology at Wake Forest. The chance of successfully breeding probably improves as the pairs of birds get older and are together longer, as has been found in other birds.

But, often the female seeks a divorce after a few breeding seasons. Since males significantly outnumber females in the colony studied, there are plenty of bachelors available if the female has a wandering eye.

"Our study population has 50 percent more males than females, creating the opportunity for females to trade a current mate, which may be worn-out from recent breeding effort, for a ‘refreshed’ non-breeding male,” Maness said.

It takes a lot of energy to raise a chick and the responsibility is shared by both males and females. They raise one chick at a time. Parents incubate the egg for 43 days. Then, it takes another 100 to 120 days of parental care until the baby bird can fly. The parents will usually continue to provide some meals to the fledgling.

So, if, when mating season rolls around again, a male looks a little ragged from taking care of junior, his mate is likely to choose another.

A male’s capacity to raise offspring, a quality that can vary with time, may carry more weight with a mate than stellar genes or past breeding success, Maness said.

She used 14 years of data on about 950 males and 700 females in the study. During that time, the majority of the females in this group gambled on a new mate, sometimes one that had never bred before.

This is one of the few studies that addresses divorce in successfully breeding bird pairs, Maness said. “This study really predicts that the probability of divorce increases with the birds’ success at breeding and raising a chick, because the effort required may tire out the male and consequently his mate may reject him.”

It also shows that males of this species are probably never permanently in or out of the mating game, in contrast to many other animals, she said. A male Nazca booby cast off by a current mate may be selected by a different female the next year, after he has had a chance to regain his condition.

Who Gets The House?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,


When my parents divorced, there were no questions surrounding the issues of property and custody. Mom got the house. Mom got the kids.

Dad had to pay alimony.

Now with the advent of such groups as DadsRights.org and DadsRightsCoalition.com, property and custody are taken into careful consideration for both parents — as they should be, and should always have been.

But whether a divorce is amicable or a knock-down, drag-out brawl, the fight for child custody is generally the first issue to be ruled upon. When a resolution is reached regarding custody, the secondary question now begs to be answered:

Who gets the house?

Consider the following:

(1) Who has primary custody of the children?

Divorce can be terribly traumatic for children, especially if they are school-aged. Consider their emotions. The change divorce causes can be extremely stressful and moving can intensify that stress. The less change a child has to suffer, the more likely he or she will adjust to the divorce in a healthy manner. It may prove wise to allow the primary caregiver to remain in the family home.

(2) Can you afford the home?

If alimony or palimony are not a part of the divorce settlement, then one must consider their ability to meet the cost of a mortgage payment. If you’re stretching your paycheck – even with alimony or palimony – then make a smart decision based on your budget.

(3) Do you have an emotional attachment to the home?

Of course, there’s going to be some emotional attachment to the home because it’s a place in which you and your spouse shared wonderful times. But, if the home belonged to your mother, father, aunt, brother, etc., before you and your spouse moved in, then that can compound your attachment. Consider an emotional attachment (for either you OR your spouse) before making a decision.

If an agreement cannot be reached regarding the home, consider selling it. It may be possible for the primary caregiver to move into a smaller abode without having to put the children into new schools.


Feel better!

-MJ

Beginning - Divorce Considerations

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

When you lie awake at night and contemplate divorce, the main focus of your anxiety will more than likely be pinpointed on your poor relationship with your partner — as it should be.

Unfortunately, you’ll also have all sorts of emotionally environmental factors to consider. Chances are that you’ll not only take into account your own feelings when weighing the decision to divorce, but you’ll actually worry and wonder about the opinions of others.

These are some questions that may wander into your thought process when considering divorce:

1) What will my congregation think?
2) Will my parents consider me a failure, or will they support me?
3) What will the neighbors say?
4) Will I be the subject of gossip among my colleagues?


Although the answers to these questions may seem pertinent to your decision, they really aren’t. Intrinsically, your divorce is just that — your divorce.

If you’re going to contemplate the ramifications of your decision on those around you, consider your children; consider your spouse and consider yourself. In short, your family’s happiness and sustainability should be foremost in your mind when thinking about divorce.

Everyone else is secondary — perhaps even tertiary.


Feel better!
-MJ