Deductible Alimony Recapture

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you pay alimony? If you do, then you may need to figure out your taxes and find out if you're liable for alimony recapture. Use this free calculator to see where you stand:

http://www.smartmoney.com/divorce/basics/index.cfm?story=alimonycalc

Feel better!

-MJ

Finances - How to increase your alimony

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

If you believe that you need increased alimony payments due to a change in circumstances of your lifestyle, you can apply for it. But you have the burden of proving "changed circumstances." To see how you can do that, read the article below.

Feel better!

-MJ


From divorcesource.com

Who has the burden of proving a "change of circumstances" to obtain an increased alimony award?

The spouse who seeks an increase in alimony has the burden of proving "changed circumstances." If a party proves a change of circumstances then the court will grant the parties the right to conduct limited discovery. Basically, the parties will then exchange tax returns, pay stubs, and a CIS. The moving party must also prove that the changed circumstances have substantially impaired his/her ability to support himself or herself.

If the court believes that the motion requesting an increase in alimony has merit, then it will schedule the case for a plenary hearing. A Lepis plenary hearing can be just as complicated and draining as a divorce case. The court will also issue a discovery order. Lepis hearings always seem to last forever. These cases are not as carefully scrutinized as the divorce cases are. It is not uncommon for a Lepis alimony case to be adjourned five or more times. The family courts are overwhelmed with all types of litigation, and they really can't handle all of their volume of cases. However, before a court will grant a moving party a Lepis hearing, the moving party must convince the court that there are significant life events that justify increasing alimony. This is certainly not an easy burden to satisfy. The courts do not take motions that request an increase in alimony lightly. There must be compelling reasons(s) to justify increasing the amount or the length of an alimony award.

You Think Your Relationship Is Bad?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Sometimes in life you just need to look on the bright side. In this case, be thankful that you're not involved in the trainwreck that is Britney's life. Her boyfriend is not only going on television and playing her voicemails, but he's also married - to 2 people!

Look at this girl's life and hopefully you'll feel better about your own.

Feel better!

-MJ


From perezhilton.com

Brit Brit's English pap boyfriend, Adnan Ghali, has reportedly been hiding a secret first wife! Not counting the one he's currently divorcing.

He married some California chick in 2001. That first marriage lasted a total of 85 days.

The gal's parents didn't even know they were wed!

Adnan, originally from Birmingham, England, is currently being divorced by second wife Azlynn Berry after watching his very public romance with Spears.

He was in his first marriage at the same time he applied for a US Green Card. Legal experts say that if he did not tell Uncle Sam about the first marriage he could be DEPORTED!

Additionally, and this may be bullshit, a source close to Osama Lutfi, reveals exclusively to PerezHilton.com that U.S. immigration officials were looking for Ghalib outside the UCLA Medical Center Thursday morning.

We call B.S. on that!

Either way, Adnan better be having a damn good immigration lawyer on his team.

It's the Thought That Counts

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you find yourself overthinking your relationship, or even worse, your breakup? Here's some information you may find helpful.

Overthinking can wreck our emotional health, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., on the basis of her studies over the past decade. A professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, she provides answers to some common questions:


Do men ruminate too?

Women do it more than men, but that doesn't mean that men don't do it at all. And it takes on a different character. Our research suggests that men are more likely to ruminate about anger and angry situations, and it comes out as angry, grudge-bearing self-righteousness.

Women tend to focus much more on depressive and anxious themes: "What's wrong with me that this person doesn't like me? What did I do wrong?" And they focus on whether they can control something in the future, particularly with regard to relationships. "How can I keep my husband interested in me? How can I make sure that everybody likes me?"

How do you explain those differences?

We know that from a very early age girls are much more relationship-oriented than boys are. It's socialized into us; it may even be programmed into us evolutionarily. Relationships are great fuel for rumination because interactions with others are always ambiguous; you never know exactly what the other person means or whether they're being sincere. Investing too much of your self-worth in the approval of others provides an unstable source of self-esteem. That's one major contributor to women's tendency to ruminate more.

How does one develop into a ruminator? Do we learn it?

It can be socialized into people or we can be inclined to it by biological temperament. If you are encouraged to pay attention to your emotions and also given the message that there's not much you can do about them, that contributes to being a ruminator. Boys are encouraged to do something about the situations that make them upset, girls are encouraged more to just think about the situations that make them upset. If biological temperament inclines you to be easily upset, that quite naturally leads to questions about "what's wrong with me?" If on top of that you are not socialized to handle distressed feelings actively, then the two can strongly contribute to rumination.

How does that get set into the brain?

Research suggests that there are connections between nodes of the brain. Different memories and thoughts are connected by virtue of sharing an emotion, so that negative thoughts are connected with each other even when they have little to do with each other. Your boss yells at you-and you think about how fat you are. What connects them is unhappiness.

When you ruminate, you rehearse the connections between such thoughts and strengthen them, creating a spreading network whereby a whole complex of distressing thoughts becomes more easily aroused by just a little bit of negative mood. So the next time you're upset not only do you think about your boss yelling at you and being fat but about how your mother treated your brother better than she treated you.

What effect does rumination have on relationships?

It undermines them in a couple of ways. Ruminators seek out other people for reassurance but they confront others constantly: "You don't love me, you don't care about me, what did you mean when you said that the other night?" Men particularly find this hard to deal with. It may lead to arguments or to the partner stalking off.

The other thing it can do is make a person excessively dependent and anxious about everything a partner or friend says or does, which again can drive them away. Our research shows that ruminators seek out social support from other people more than non-ruminators, but they actually get lower-quality social support because people get frustrated.

There's such as thing as excessive reassurance seeking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me? I don't know if you love me, do you really love me?" Eventually their partners get frustrated; they may try to hide it and be reassuring, but the ruminator notices the frustration and confronts them: "You say you love me, but you seem so irritable all the time and you're getting more irritable. What's the matter? What's the matter with our relationship?" Eventually, there's often a huge blowup.

Is rumination more toxic for women because of its effect on relationships?

Rumination is toxic in both men and women; it leads to depression and anxiety in both. It's just that women are more prone to do it.

What has most surprised you in the research you've done on rumination?

We keep looking for what's good about rumination. Over and over we find that it is immobilizing and impairs the quality of thinking.

Have we become too self-analytical?

Our data indicate that older adults are less prone to rumination than younger ones, suggesting that a cultural shift toward awareness of emotions may contribute. There's been a huge shift in the last couple of decades from being very stoic and unaware of our feelings to being obsessed with them. The main theme of a huge amount of pop culture has been about getting in touch with your feelings and analyzing your past. That's good to some extent, but a lot of us have taken it too far and we've become a bellybutton culture, hyperfocused on every twist and turn of our emotions, trying to analyze everything everybody says for its deeper meaning.

One thing that keeps people in the cycle of rumination is a sense that they're incredibly profound and gaining tremendous insight. We actually find that by every measure, they're doing a lousy job of problem solving. People need to recognize that it's not a healthy process.

When does thinking get dangerous?

Self-analysis is a good thing-to a point. Just as the cell-splitting processes that contribute to cancer are not inherently bad-it's dangerous when it gets out of control and becomes self-perpetuating-so with thinking about yourself and your emotions. Some of it is crucial to our understanding of who we are and how to behave. But when it takes up all the space in your brain, it's malignant. We need to spot when self-analysis turns into rumination and gain skills for controlling it.

It's in the danger zone when you start feeling increasingly hopeless and immobilized, when you're getting feedback from others that you seem stuck and unable to deal with a situation and certainly when you are feeling chronically depressed and anxious. By then, however, you may need professional help.

Last Updated: April 2, 2003
Copyright © 1991-2007 Sussex Publishers. All rights reserved.

What's the lamest way to break up?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

If you're looking for a way to break up, check out these tips from yahoo! personals:

Feel better!

-MJ


What's the lamest way to breakup? Andrea Syrtash gets breakup stories from daters and adds a few horror stories of her own. Get the lowdown on the letdown and tips for doing it right.

Is there a good way to dump someone? Probably not, but there are better ways. According to my very unscientific study with some friends in my living room last month, the worst way to deliver the news is via text message (extra points deducted if you have a lazy thumb and use abbreviations: "I cant c u. over").
Breaking up is hard to do. But it helps to be considerate with the basics like time, place and delivery method so you don't add insult to injury. Here are my five "don'ts" of dumping:
1. Timing Is Everything
How many times have I heard someone explain, "I can't break up now. It's a bad time because... (fill in the blank with any event from a friend's wedding to a family reunion)"?
There will NEVER been a good or comfortable time to end it with someone you care about
There will NEVER been a good or comfortable time to end it with someone you care about, so don't wait for the perfect opportunity. The only exceptions to the timing rule are your date's birthday, a significant holiday like New Year's Eve, or the night before he or she has an important presentation at work.
2. Location, Location, Location!
If possible, pick a neutral and quiet place to end your relationship.
If possible, pick a neutral and quiet place to end your relationship. It may get emotional, so make sure that the dumpee is not driving when you have the conversation and that you're in a place where you both have an opportunity to express yourself without worrying about eyes peering at you. And do not break up at his or her favorite place or restaurant! He or she will never want to go back.
3. The Incredible Disappearing Date
If you've gone out a number of times or have seen each other for a few months, don't rely on your date to get the message on his or her own that it's over.
A close second to disappearing is relaying the message via email or text message.
A close second to disappearing is relaying the message via email or text message. If you're going to do that, make sure to include the fact that you would like to have a conversation following your note. Have the courage to end it in person and allow your ex to respond.
4. Hooking Up Will Screw You Up
I'm all for recycling, but not in this case. No booty calls with the person you've broken up with! You're not only making it harder on your ex who will cling to any glimmer of hope you offer, but you're making it harder on YOURSELF since you'll eventually have to break up all over again when you meet someone new.
5. Mouth Wide Shut
I believe in breakup karma. If you blab to everyone about why you want to end the relationship before you pull the plug, or gossip all over town after you end it, it may come back to haunt you. The dating world is smaller than you think. Unless your ex has done something that you feel you need to alert the masses about (and not just your close friends), keep the details of your relationship private and respect your ex.

You are okay as you are.

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

My sister and I went shopping the other day. We were having a good time picking out clothes, laughing and joking the whole time, and then when we got to the dressing room, all of the laughter stopped. We spent probably the whole time looking in the mirror and showing our 'flaws' to one another. When certain clothes didn't fit me because my boobs were too big, I complained. When certain clothes didn't fit her because she's shorter than the normal person, she complained. And let's not forget the pointing out of cellulite.

Keep in mind that my sister is a size ZERO and I am a size 3/4. We both work out and take good care of ourselves. Most people would KILL to have our physiques...yet we still manage to find something wrong.

Crazy? Absolutely.

I thought about that all week long and kind of got mad at myself.


We need to stop comparing ourselves at the airbrushed supermodels. It's not healthy. Men have seen 'regular' women naked (probably more than you and I have seen naked) and understand what a normal woman looks like. We all have cellulite, we all have pockets of fat somewhere and we all have stretch marks (well, a lot of us do). So don't worry what you look like naked and for pete's sake, DON'T compare yourself to supermodels. It's not worth it.

So my sister and I have decided to concentrate on the body parts that we love. And when we try on clothes, we'll feel lucky that even though we're not PERFECT, PERFECT, we have it pretty good...and we're healthy...which is the most important part!

Feel better!

MJ

Finding something perfect to wear is always a challenge. Say you are looking for some sexy lingerie but don't want to go to a store to look through everything you can't even try on anyway. Try shopping online for your lingerie. You can do it anytime and find something incredible, have it shipped right to your door and make sure it is right before you decide to keep it. I always feel better after shopping, especially when I can do it at home without any hassles.

Things a Man Should never do Around a Woman.

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I was surfing the web and I found this article. It gave me a chuckle. Thought you'd enjoy it!

Feel better!

-mJ


Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman

The editors of Marie Claire advise against bad tips, blow-drying, and cleaning your gun. We'll take their word for it.

By The Editors of Marie Claire

[more from this author]



NOAH SEELAM/AFP/Getty Images

Reveal how much your car cost.

Clean your gun.

Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed).

Refer to your mother as your best friend.

Rap.

Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter.

Question our footwear.

Blow-dry your hair.

Tip less than 20 percent.

Celebrity impressions.

Impressions of us.

Forget to carry cash.

Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction.

Wii.

Boot and rally.

Scream -- at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Eli Manning. Because, no matter how much Eli deserves it (picked off again!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.

Talk about former exploits. Ever.

Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man.

Stick anything in our butts, unless previous discussions have occurred.

Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)

Hogan Divorce Getting Ugly

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here's a trick you should look out for when you're getting divorced. Check out this article from perezhilton.com :



Linda Hogan has asked a judge to freeze the Hulkster's bank accounts!

She doesn't want the former wrestler spending any of the money they got from the $10 million sale of their home.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg!

Linda is accusing Hulk of trying to trick her into signing a post-nuptial agreement and other "legal shenanigans."

Damn, we wish they were filming their reality show NOW!



I had never even heard of a post-nuptial agreement until today!

Feel better,

-MJ

Are you dating a grown up?

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

When you're searching for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's not uncommon to look for someone with a sense of humor and a free spirit. But is this person a mature pillar on which you can lean, or a child in an adult's body?

Answer these questions to assess your situation:

Does he make plans and ditch you on a consistent basis?

Does his idea of dating consist of showing up on your doorstep at 2am?

Does he sleep over? If so, does he take you to breakfast the next day, or just take off?

Does he avoid the "relationship" talk?

Does he call you his girlfriend?

Did he lie about his age when he met you? (men that see themselves as 'young' generally don't want to admit that they are pushing 40. They'd rather present themselves as 36).

Have you met his parents? Better yet, has he even moved out of his parents' house?

Does he drive a car he can't afford?


Check out your answers to these questions...is he the kind of guy you want to marry? Or is he the kind of man you can have fun with while you're looking for the guy you want to marry? Whatever the case, recognize the relationship for what it is.

An if you're unhappy, break it off.

Feel better!

-MJ

Will he ever change?

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

Someone emailed me today asking me if her boyfriend would ever change. He has apparently "tried to change," but has never come full circle. They've broken up 5 times in 3 years.

According to her, he hasn't cheated on her. This need for change stems from the fact that he's immature, a poor planner and easily distracted by his guy friends. They'll make plans, she'll wait for him to pick her up and he just won't show up because he just "forgot." Sometimes, she claims, she'll show up at his place only to find him sleeping.

And she just wants him to be a "normal" boyfriend.

I feel for you girl.

So I decided to google "will he ever change?" And over 472,000,000 websites came up.

OUCH!

Looks like she's not the only one who wants their boyfriend to change.

So answer these questions:

Has he ever taken full responsibility for his actions? (not taking half the blame, but ALL of it).

Do the SAME problems always come up, or do they vary from break up to break up?

Do you think he just needs to grow up?


Get the answers to those questions. And search all 472,000,000 pages for answers specific to your situation. Then either try again, or buy the BreakUp Workbook.

Feel better!
-MJ

BrokenHeartedGirl reads BitterSingleGuy

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

I was doing some research on the web today about relationships and I found this website. I think it's my "brother website!"

In any case, I found this article about dating and I thought it would help those of you that are moving on. Don't be frustrated when you're dating again. Men and women both - check out this site http://www.bittersingleguy.com. It's great!

Feel better!

-MJ


Why Are You So Bitter?

The Bitter Single Guy answers the question:
"Why are you so bitter?"

The Bitter Single Guy's mom, on seeing his web site, was concerned by his apparent terminal bitterness. With the hope to ease the concern of his readers (and his mom), he has prepared the following explanation:

"Have you ever owned an old frying pan? One that you've had for years, from which the non-stick surface is flaking, and which has remnants of pancake batter stuck to the bottom? This is definitely not the frying pan you would use for preparing an elegant dinner party, but when you're home alone, and having grilled cheese for dinner again, nothing works quite like that frying pan, right?

Well, the Bitter Single Guy is that frying pan. He is not representative of all my cookware, but there are times where nothing else is appropriate.

When out on a first date, I, like most folks, am optimistic and eager to get to know my date better. First dates can be wonderful and in those moments I would deny the existence of that old frying pan (and the Bitter Single Guy) to anyone.

But then, sometimes, in the course of the date, I hear that my date's former boyfriend was completely unjustified in taking out that restraining order, and that my date 'doesn't see why TWO people in a relationship should have to work, right?'

About then, I go home and get out that frying pan.

This web site is the public incarnation of the frying pan that is the Bitter Single Guy. When I am particularly critical of my species and believe that being single is TRULY preferable to whatever idiot I have just encountered, then I get out that frying pan.

But, fear not, I have LOTS of other cookware."

10-Second Stress Busters

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

Sometimes you just need to take a couple of seconds out of your day to relax. Click on the link to check out some really great stressbusters from Woman's Day.

http://www.womansday.com/health/12691/10-secondstress-busters.html

Feel better!

-MJ

An Online Dating Tip

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

If you're ready to start dating again and you're thinking about online dating, here's a story for you:

A girl I know showed up at the bar to meet her date. When he walked in (20 minutes late!), he looked about 5 years older and 30 pounds heavier than ALL of his 5 pictures that were online. Although she wanted to stick it to him and tell him (and the entire bar) about his warped self-perception, she stuck it out, had a drink and then left with a handshake.

She came home from this date so disappointed that she called me crying. She really wanted to quit online dating, but I asked her to keep trying and I gave her this tip:

Before you meet someone in person for the first time, ask them if they have any recent pictures. When you get them, ask for specifics - where was this taken? Who was there? Ask really specific questions - not only will you seem interested (and you are), but you may even get to see more pictures if you play your cards right.

And if he says he doesn't have a recent picture, act really flirty and ask him to send one with his camera (men, you can do this too!). Hopefully he'll be flattered and will comply. Just ensure that you do it in such a manner that you seem charming -not pushy!

Find out if he's everything he's cracked up to be before you take time out of your schedule to see him. You don't want to think that you're meeting a guy with a full head of hair, only to find out that he only has one hair on his head, right?

Feel better!

-MJ

Things to Consider Before Mutual Separation.

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

So you and your partner have decided to separate. And now you have to chart this new territory. If your separation is mutual and you and your partner are both interested in working on the relationship, then here are some things to consider:

1) Set a period of time for the separation. Be it 1 month or 6 months, agree on the length of time.

2) Figure out your love lives. If you're really interested in working on the relationship, then agree to a NO DATING rule.

3) Go to counseling if you can both agree to it. If you're going to work on the relationship, then a counselor can be a great facilitator to reaching that common goal.

4) Set some contact rules. If you're going to be apart, then be apart. Only make phone calls when necessary. You'll see one another at counseling every week, so take this time alone to grow.


Feel better!

_MJ

Post Divorce Mediation

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Here's an article from the National Conflict Resolution Center. This is yet another way that you can sole your post-divorce problems without going through an expensive lawyer. If you're having issues with children, parenting issues or spousal support, then please read on.

Feel better!

-MJ


What happens during post-divorce mediation?
Mediation sessions are informal but structured discussions guided by the mediator. Both parties are given the opportunity to speak without interruption, describing their view of the current issues for possible modification. The mediator structures the discussions to help clarify the issues and move toward an agreement. NCRC recommends that the parties separately consult with attorneys of their choice for legal advice regarding any issues addressed at the mediation.

What are the advantages of post-divorce mediation?
Mediation provides a unique opportunity to develop mutually acceptable outcomes tailored to the individual clients

It is convenient, cost effective, less stressful, informal, confidential, non-adversarial, and no court appearances.

Mediation sessions are arranged at mutually convenient times at sites throughout the County. Evening appointments are available.

What types of issues can be addressed in post-divorce mediation?
Issues that are important to the parties can be addressed, including scheduling time with the children, parenting issues, spousal support, child support, and financial issues.

What should I bring to post-divorce mediation?
The parties should bring a copy of any existing orders and Final Judgment, including the Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). During the first meeting the mediator will work with the parties to determine what information will be needed for further sessions, such as personal income and expenses.

Will the mediators prepare legal documents?
Yes. The mediators will prepare or assist in the preparation and filing of documents required by the court. The mediators will not provide legal advice, but will provide legal information. The agreement reached in the mediation is called a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) and can be filed by the mediator.

Who are the mediators?
All NCRC divorce mediators are experienced family law attorneys with more than 30 hours of mediation training. NCRC staff provides supervision and continuing education. Clients may request a specific mediator from the panel listing or ask NCRC to make a selection for them.

How much does post-divorce mediation cost?
NCRC charges a one-time administrative fee of $100 per case payable at the first session.

NCRC charges $250 per hour for the time spent in the mediation session. A mediation session usually takes approximately two hours. The fees are split between the parties or as they otherwise agree. Most post-divorce issues can be completed in 1 to 3 sessions. Payment is due at the end of each session. Visa and Mastercard are accepted.

There is a fee for drafting the legal documents required to formally complete a stipulated order. The 'document fee' amount will be determined by the mediator based on the approximate time to prepare the order. When the mediator is ready to draft the order, he or she will request a 'document fee', which is due before the mediator begins.

If any court filing fees are due, the parties are required to remit those funds to NCRC. The mediator will be able to determine if such fees will be required after the first session.

NCRC requires a credit card guarantee of the first hour of the first appointment. Nothing is charged on the card unless an appointment is missed or not cancelled with at least 48 business hours notice.

How long does it take to schedule post-divorce mediation?
After both parties agree to participate in mediation, the first session can be scheduled within two weeks.

Do both spouses have to agree to post-divorce mediation before calling the National Conflict Resolution Center?
No. If either party is interested in mediation, our staff can contact the other party to discuss our services. However, both parties do not have to agree to the modification to benefit from the mediation process. If one partner is reluctant about or disagrees with the modification, the initial meeting may be to establish interim agreements and a time frame to reconvene to further evaluate the proposed modification.

Do parties need to hire their own attorneys?
Parties may choose to obtain legal, financial and other advice at any time in the mediation process. All parties are strongly encouraged to obtain a review of the MSA or the stipulated order by independent legal counsel prior to signing the MSA or the order. Attorneys are welcome to attend the mediation sessions to advise and counsel their clients with prior agreement of both spouses.

What is the role of the post-divorce mediator?
The role of the post-divorce mediator is to conduct a process which assists the parties in reaching mutually acceptable solutions, provide relevant legal information, help parties communicate productively on difficult issues, assist in generating options for resolving problems between parties, assist in developing terms of an agreement which are consistent with the principles of justice and fairness, discuss what might happen if the parties cannot reach an agreement in mediation and go to court or take other steps, and draft the stipulated order and file necessary documents.

It should be noted that the NCRC Post-Divorce Mediator will provide both parties with current, relevant legal information outlining the law applicable to their individual circumstances. The mediator will not advise the clients or make judgments on their behalf as to appropriate choices among those discussed during mediation. The mediator cannot provide legal advice to either party, because the mediator does not represent either one. The divorcing couple has control over any agreement made in the mediation process.