Stop Smothering Him!

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I've been reading a lot of posts on our forum located at http://mjac.forumco.com, and I responded to one in particular today that prompted me to write about relationships "in limbo."

Sometimes when a man breaks up with a woman he states something akin to, "I still want to remain close friends with you, but I want to see if things between us change before I decide if I want to have a relationship with you..."

The initial reaction of most women is one of desperation. "What can I do to get him to want to be with me again? How do I know when he's going to decide? How many times should I call him in a day?"

Based on what I've seen in virtual and actual reality, it seems that a lot of women take this time while "in limbo" to smother their ex-boyfriends. They call all the time to "just talk." When they do get together to hang out, they constantly ask, "How do you feel? What are you thinking? How do you feel about us?" Or worse, they keep offering up sex to see if it leads him to figure things out more quickly.

If a man says that he needs space and wants to figure things out, then it's up to you to cognitively decide to give him that space. Don't smother him. Don't be pushy. Don't be demanding. If you think you still want to be with him, then honor your friendship and your possible future by giving him the time he needs. Don't play games. Don't act differently. Just be yourself, but give him his space.

If you smother him, he may just give up completely. If you give him space, then he may just miss you and decide that he wants the relationship to work.

Once he decides that he wants to work on the relationship, you have to decide if you still want to work on it as well. Once the decision is made mutually, work together on ways to solve issues that have existed in the past.

Just remember - when someone says that they want space, they probably mean it. Don't smother the man. Allow yourself to breathe. And hopefully you can both figure out the future together.

MJ

Relaxation Technique Potpourri

Dear broken hearted girl,

We scoured the internet for quick relaxation techniques that you can perform when you're crunched for time.

(1) Warm your hands & feet:

-Generally stess causes one to feel chilly. Dipping your feet in warm water, or wrapping your hands around a warm cup of tea can comfort your body & mind and revive your spirit.

(2) Put a pencil in your mouth - don't bite down though!:

-According to experts, putting a pencil inbetween your chops is an easy way to relax facial muscles. You know how your forehead wrinkles when you're frazzled? This exercise will help you to loosen up that forehead!

Use this quick & easy techniques during the day when you're feeling the everyday pressures of life.

Relaxation Technique #4

Dear broken hearted girls,

Here's a relaxation technique that may cost a bit of money, but it's WELL worth it.

Get the kids to a baby-sitter, take them to their grandparents' house or their favorite aunt/uncle's place. Grab a girlfriend and go on an overnight vacation within 30 miles of your hometown.

Go to www.spafinder.com to find a full-service spa within your budget. Then find a hotel nearby using hotels.com, or through another booking site. There's nothing more relaxing than finding a good deal, right?

The next step? Leave on a Friday night, make an appointment for Saturday morning and spend the entire day getting pampered.

head to www.spas.about.com to find some spa treatments that may interest you. Find one that targets your particular stress areas - some people carry stress in their lower back, some in their shoulders, some, unbelieveably, in their legs & feet!!

This mini-vacation should leave you refreshed and ready to spend the rest of the weekend in a relaxed state - no matter what kind of trouble comes your way!

Relaxation Technique #3

Dear broken hearted girl,

Some people say the best place to think is in the bathroom! Hey brokenheartedgirls, we agree! Whether you feel the need to plan your day or work out a problem, the bathtub is the place to be.

If you have children, this is going to be a task that you are not going to be accomplish immediately. Unfortunately, as with everything, you're going to have to plan your relaxation time around your kids.

See if a neighbor can watch your children for at least half an hour. Or, even better, let your children sleep over at their best friend's home.

Go all out for this one ladies. Head to the store and get scented candles, bubbles and bath oils. Get lotions, body sprays and even lip balm! Buy the same scent of everything - you can get all raspberry scents - or else try to mix scents to calm yourself - lavender and vanilla are some of our faves.

Once you get in the tub, take some time to just breathe, enjoy the warm water around your body, and smell the delicious aroma. Let your mind wander for awhile. Then, work out your problems and create solutions.

When you emerge from the tub, you should feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. With at least some of your issues worked out, we hope that you can tackle the rest of them with vigor!

Relaxation Technique #2

Dear broken hearted girl,

If you're having trouble sleeping, try this technique to help you wind down -


Lie on your back. Ensure that your back is flat against the floor and that your posture is strong. Breathe in until your lungs feel full. Hold the breath for 5 seconds. When exhaling, create a humming noise in the back of your throat - mine is a noise that I make when I think something tastes good. Keep breathing this way for up to 2 minutes.

Feel your muscles begin to lose tension with each deep breath.

Begin breathing normally after 2 minutes, but keep creating the humming noise in the back of your throat when you exhale. As you concentrate on that noise and let your fears and worries melt away, your mind will also relax, allowing you to drift off into sleep.

This technique will not be easy the first time you try it. As with anything you want to master in life, it is hard work. The more you practice, the easier it will be.

Relaxation Technique #1

Dear broken hearted girl,

People naturally become stressed when they are going through difficult situations; sometimes so mcuh that they cannot eat or sleep. Due to the many questions received about this subject in our forum, http://mjac.forumco.com, we are going to write a blog series dedicated to de-stressing. Each blog posting will create a new technique to try when uneasy.


Here is a relaxation technique that can be utilized when feeling anxious:

Visualization:

Sit on the floor with your back against the wall. Ensure that your back is flat against the wall and that your posture is strong. Imagine a favorite memory, or create a place of your own - a meadow, a family BBQ, the ocean. Concentrate very hard on actually feeling, touching, tasting and smelling every single moment in your vision. Again, concentrate very hard.

While you're in this place of your own, you will begin to notice that all of the stresses in your life - your boss, money, your children - will begin to evaporate. When you emerge from the visualization, you should feel refreshed and ready to tackle life again, one step at a time.

Try this for 5 minutes the first time. Extend the length of the exercise as needed.

This technique will not be easy the first time you try it. As with anything you want to master in life, it is hard work. The more you practice, the easier it will be.

Catching a Cheater

You have a feeling that your significant other is cheating. You decide to be upfront and just ask him/her about it, but they just aren't fessing up. Your gut is telling you that something is "off" and you want to put the issue to rest.

What can you do?

-Hire a private investigator
-Enter to be a participant in the show "Cheaters"
-Follow/stalk your significant other
-Break into his/her email or IM account
-Check his/her text messages when the phone is unattended
-Check his/her voicemail without permission

You can do any of the above or you can take the high road.

Here are some options that aren't as manipulative as those indicated above:

-Look for signs that could indicate that your boyfriend/girlfriend is lying to you.
-Cite specific examples that have lead you to the conclusion that he/she may be cheating.
-Try speaking with his friends and family to see if something else could be going on. (Don’t let on that you think he’s cheating on or lying to you; just listen, watch and be aware of any signs that your gut instinct is correct).

If you still do not trust your ex and you believe that you’d like to begin following him or violating his privacy, then you might consider reflecting upon your moral compass. Once you head down the road toward violating someone’s personal space, it’s hard to come back from the situation if you’re caught.

In general, if you’re still not comfortable with the situation and you’ve discussed it with your significant other, then it’s time for you to decide if leaving the situation might be in your best interest. Remember that trust is one of the pillars of any relationship.

If you can’t trust your lover, then you shouldn’t pursue the relationship.

The Custody Journal

If an amicable divorce agreement is no longer working and a custody arrangement is being threatened, one will need to create an armory to defend her rights as a parent.

One thing that a parent can do to defend herself is to create a custody journal. The journal can be utilized in custody proceedings, so she should try to keep it as detailed as possible.

The log will need to chronicle the amount of time spent with each child, either as a group or on an individual basis. The following information should be written down in the custody journal:

• amount of time spent tutoring each child
• amount of time spent attending or driving to and from the children’s’ extra- curricular activities (karate, soccer, hockey)
• amount of time spent actually playing with the children and the sorts of activities in which the children and parent have been engaged


Pictures, children’s drawings, ticket stubs and the like can be used to enhance the diary. These additional objects can increase the value of the journal to an attorney.

If used correctly, this journal will prove beyond a doubt that you are a responsible parent who cares about her children. The information inside could be a catalyst in gaining the court’s favor in your custody struggle.

When to Date After a BreakUp

When you're dumped, it's easy to wallow in your own misery. It's also easy to decide to jump on the internet and try to find someone else. But, what should you really do?

It's unfair to date someone else immediately, UNLESS your relationship only lasted more than a few months and you weren't in love with the person you dated anyway. If you were involved in a long-term relationship, you may tend to find a "rebound" guy. If you've ever been the "rebound" girl, then you know how painful that can be. So don't do that to a guy - it's unfair to him...and essentially unfair to yourself.

What you can do to gain some self-esteem is go out and accept compliments from men who think you're cute. This will at least affirm that you are able to find someone else when the time is right. It will also help you get to the next step toward getting over your ex.

Start fantasizing on your own about a "mystery" man. When you're able to start fantasizing about someone other than your ex, then you may be ready to try to start dating again.

Just remember that dating a "rebound" guy may set you back a bit when you're trying to get over an ex. If he isn't as great as your ex, you may begin thinking that you'll never find anyone as great.

Take some time after you've been through a break up to evaluate what you want in a new relationship. This should help you on your journey toward dating again and potentially stop you from hurting someone else in the process.

When will I get over him?

A lot of people involved in a break up usually ask the question, "When will I get over him?" This is generally the advice that is given:

- It takes half the time of the full term of the relationship to get over someone.
- You can get over him in 2 weeks if you just follow a specific program.
- You can get over him instantly by dating another man.

I personally do not believe any of this to be true. Getting over someone is a personal choice. It shouldn't be "When will I get over him?" The question you should ask is "How will I get over him?"

The "how" question is the most important question you can ask yourself. Asking "how" to get over him is the first step toward accepting that the relationship is over. It's the first step you will take on your journey toward creating a stable world for your mind, heart and soul.

Once you ask the "how" question, you can bypass all of those "get him back schemes," and "get over him in 2 weeks" schemes and start exploring ways to recover from the breakup. Here are some examples:

(1) Start a journal - The BreakUp Workbook recommends this step, as writing is cathartic.
(2) Remove symbols of your relationship from your home. A blanket you used to snuggle under together, pictures of him, etc.
(3) Remove him from your Instant Messenger so you don't obsess when you see him online.

Asking "how" and physically progressing toward your goal of getting on with your life is in effect, the first step. You will take many steps in your journey toward healing. The "when" part will soon follow.

Does your ex want you back?

Does your ex want you back? Before you make a decision, create a game plan to avoid falling back into old relationship habits.

No doubt you have made some changes in your life since you and your boyfriend broke up. Perhaps you’ve started spending more time with your friends and your family. Perchance you’ve started attending religious services, or school. Maybe you’ve even started taking salsa lessons. The point is that you’ve begun a new chapter in your life and you may believe that getting back together with your ex (at his request) is a risky move.

It is a risky move. Take that phrase to heart ladies!

If you and your ex used to be joined at the hip, you ignored your friends and family or broke plans to be with your ex, they probably won’t be too keen on the reconciliation. It’s up to you to assure them that you plan to keep to your commitments to them. Promise your loved ones that you intend to retain the strong bond you have created with them since you and your ex-boyfriend broke up.

Now construct a game plan to ensure that you keep those promises.

Go through the exercises you completed in The BreakUp Workbook. Use this as a reference to build a “new relationship game plan” in your journal. Here are some examples that can be used as guidelines to create your personalized plan:

(1) I will go through my list of items created in The BreakUp Workbook that outlines what I will and won’t tolerate in any relationship. I will have a conversation with my ex-boyfriend to discuss these items. If he and I can come to an agreement regarding my list and his opinions, then and only then will I agree to a new relationship.

(2) I will only see my boyfriend X amount of times per week. This will allow us to begin the relationship slowly and get to know one another again.

(3) I will continue to spend time with my friends and family. I will see my friends X amount of times per week and my family X amount of times per week. I WILL NOT break plans with my friends and family in order to spend more time with my boyfriend.

(4) I will continue my extra-curricular activities.

(5) I will continue to work on myself as I have been doing since the breakup.

(6) I will work on this relationship with my boyfriend as I realize that we are partners.

(7) I will end the relationship if it continues to move in an unseemly direction.


Create real goals. If you want to start a new relationship with your ex, then it’s important to put all of yourself into a sound partnership with him. Write as many lists as you need, and refer to your “new relationship game plan” as often as necessary to keep the relationship on track.

How to Get Your Ex Back - SCAMS

Getting an ex back is not a science. It's emotional and physical. This is why one should avoid websites and books that allege that a particular program will definitely remedy a breakup.

1). Every relationship and every break up is unique. It is unreasonable to assume that every single person in the world can get their ex to want to resume a relationship.

2) Employing a psychic can be uplifting if you believe in the spiritual realm; however, all advice by a psychic will not be correct, no matter how great he/she is. Do not put all of your eggs into this basket.

3) A lot of the books that tell a person how to get back together with their ex employ strategies that are not necessarily "nice." i.e.:

-Leaving a message, waiting for a return phone call and then NOT RETURNING a call after he leaves a message.
-Scaring him back into your life. "I'm pregnant! I have cancer!" When you're not at all experiencing those conditions.
-Being a "bitch" when you see him in public, in hopes that he will think you are over him, realize that he misses you and will call you as soon as he gets home.
-Holding on to his stuff so he absolutely has to make arrangements to visit your home, whereby you can start reminiscing about old times and lure him into bed. (These books actually have scripts for this kind of dubious act).

It is important to remember that employing these kinds of plans and using them against an ex is unscrupulous. In fact, these tactics may be against your inherent principles. These strategies can prove detrimental in that they make you appear more desperate in your ex's eyes.

So stay away from these tactics, be yourself, and try to move along. If he really wants you back, then he will come back to you on his own. Then it's YOUR decision as to whether you wish to continue the relationship and you will be proud to realize that he is coming back to you of his own volition and not because you tried to pull one of these scams on him.

The Office in a Post-Breakup World

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

I understand that the last thing you'd like to do after getting dumped is to go to work with a 'can-do' attitude and a smile on your face, but remember - your job is your livelihood and it is proof-positive that you control your life; not your ex.

Before you retire for the evening before work, write in your journal. When finished, take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and envision the next day at work. See yourself working hard, accomplishing tasks and making your team more successful and productive. Imagine yourself waking up early, getting ready quickly and arriving to work on time. Being punctual will severely reduce your stress levels in the morning and will contribute to a good working day.

AVOID your personal email accounts, MySpace, text messages and any other means where you may encounter messages or invoke memories of your ex while in the office. Concentrate on work emails, work phone calls and team members. The more you limit yourself to the possibiity of opening fresh wounds (or pouring some lemon juice in established wounds!) the more likely you will be successful in getting through the day sans tears. Try to keep in mind that you can cry as soon as you return home for the evening.

While in the office, avoid a lot of caffeine as this is a stimulant and may add to stress or anxiety. If feeling anxious, take a walk around the office to clear your mind (indoors or out of doors). If you can't leave your desk, then take a moment to stand up and stretch. You will be amazed at how little stretching is required to feel the desired effect. Stretching will help relieve tension and will give you a moment to clear your mind.

Finally, remember to take one day at a time. Don't look at the big picture immediately or it may seem overwhelming.

Visualize your day the night before and do whatever it takes to stick to your vision. The end result will be worth it. Not only will you be taking a step toward securing your future as the sole breadwinner of a household, but you will also be taking a very important step toward getting over your ex.

Visit http://mjac.forumco.com to post your story and meet other women who will be willing to "take the step" with you.

Divorce and Your Future

When going through a divorce, it is natural to base decisions on emotional reactions and not on logical thinking. The main reason for this is because when you file for divorce, or your husband files for divorce, you are in a very emotional place; you don't have the capability to make long-term decisions regarding children and finances when you're still grieving for the relationship.

Identify where you are in the process by reviewing this model of grief created by hospice expert Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Initially, this model was created to understand illness and how it affects a person, but it has been utilized across a broad spectrum of emotional dealings. Today, relate it to your divorce.


Denial: I don't believe this is happening. I can change his mind. This divorce will never happen.

Anger and resentment: I don't deserve this treatment. I did everything he ever wanted me to do and this is how I get repaid?

Bargaining: If I did this for you NOW, will you get back together with me? If I changed my entire personality, will you stay at home?

Depression: My life is a sham. I am not worth a thing. He doesn't love me anymore and I will never find love again.

Acceptance: He has made a decision based on his feelings and I am woman enough to try to move on. Everyone deserves to be happy and so do I.


It is important to try to come up with a long-term plan before you get into an ugly custody or alimony battle with your ex-husbands' lawyers. Knee-jerk reactions will not help your case. It is important to map-out a post-divorce plan so you can make good decisions regarding you divorce. This plan aims to help you understand that there is life after divorce - and it aims to get you to the acceptance stage before the divorce becomes ugly and you regret some, if not all, of your actions.

Here are some questions to ponder:

1) If you qualify for alimony, what is a realistic figure?
2) If applying for sole custody evalute your reasoning:
- Are you doing so because you want to punish him?
- Was he a good father?
- Will your kids miss him to their own detriment? (depression, acting out).
- What kind of visitation rights (if any) will the father have?



The BreakUp Workbook offers exercises that can be applied to divorce. The exercises can help you identify problems in your marriage and jump-start your way to getting toward the acceptance stage. It also provides exercises that can help you create a long-term plan to conquer goals in your life that will involve the rest of your life post-divorce.

Find out his relationship vibe...

People say that when you start a new relationship, everything about him is available; his inclinations, his attitudes about life/politics/religion, his attitude toward you, etc., if you just pay attention to the signs. So how do you find out what his intentions are?


(1) Ask your friends to give their honest opinion of him. I've had new relationships with men I've really liked (except for one or two small things) and I have relied on my friends to help me evaluate. With some men, my friends picked up on a few things that I did not, because they are outside of the situation. ie) He cut me off a lot when I was telling a story, or he didn't seem to respect my opinions. Friends are a good barometer because all they want is for you to be happy.

(2) Ask him about past relationships when the time is right. A good question to start with is "When did your last relationship end..." Usually that question will open him up. He will probably tell you when it was, why it ended, and what he didn't like about her. Listen intently for clues as to how he treat women and as to what he might be looking for presently (make sure you're NOT a rebound!).

(3) After a few dates, just simply ask - do this BEFORE you sleep with him. If he's out for "nothing serious" and you're out for something SERIOUS, then don't let yourself get any more involved. The last thing you want to do is con yourself into believing that you can change him. I've tried it. It doesn't work.


When you're starting over with a new man, make sure to look for signs that he may not be right for you. And make sure to also look for signs that he MAY BE right for you. It's alright to be careful and not jump in to every relationship feet first. But as soon as you weigh the good with the bad and decide that he is a person to give your heart to, then by all means, give your heart to him. A relationship can't work unless your entire heart and being are present.


- M.J.